


and i am nobody's heroine

by orphan_account



Series: I sleep. I dream. I make up things that I would never say. (I say them very quietly.) [1]
Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Angst, Anxiety, Fluff, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-09-01
Updated: 2014-09-01
Packaged: 2018-02-15 19:32:56
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 11,859
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2240835
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>He felt like he was melting right before his own eyes and Harry’s. It was cold and it was November and Harry felt like summer time and Harry felt like hurt and Niall burning his tongue on tea, Harry felt like heartbreak and falling in love. </p><p>--</p><p>Where Niall is an anxiety-ridden biochemistry major and Harry plays baseball.</p>
            </blockquote>





	and i am nobody's heroine

**Author's Note:**

> if anything about anxiety in here was off and offended any of you please correct me like wow you all can smack me, i tried to portray it respectively and yeah sorry i am rambling

University of Massachusetts, Boston was massive. Massive enough that it had Niall’s skin crawling every time someone dared to make eye contact with him and his skin was flushed and prickly by the time he made it to his dorm on the East Wing. It was September and humid but his jacket was wrapped around him like a second skin; he couldn’t even feel the heat the only thing he could think about was getting into his dorm and escaping.

The door to his dorm room was closed and Niall prayed that maybe he’d gotten there first but the door was whipped open suddenly and he was met with coffee brown eyes and a boy with a cigarette in between his lips. Niall averted his gaze choosing to look at his Chuck Taylors rather than the pretty boy who looked too cool for well everything. And plus, cigarettes made him nervous.

“Are you Niall?” The boy asked him. He leaned on the door frame and Niall thought, effortless and cool, words that would never be associated with him. He was a spazz and his hands were shoved in the pocket of his jeans as he tried to calm himself down. “Well?” The boy sounded irritated and Niall jumped a little.

“Yes.” He said softly then cleared his throat.

“Come in then.” The boy retreated inside but left the door open so Niall could follow inside. Niall only had one suitcase of clothes and his laptop bag that was it. He didn’t really need much he wasn’t going to be showing himself anyway. He already had a plan to only be seen when strictly necessary.

The room was small, shoebox size and Niall hated it immediately. Niall hated how close the beds were to each other, hated the way he could see the dust particles flying through the air from the small sliver of sun that was let in. He hated the fact that he had a roommate. He wanted his room back home.

Zayn had already claimed the bed on the left side and Niall was glad because that was the bed closer to the window and Niall knew he wouldn’t have been able to sleep if he kept thinking about someone sliding up the walls and just escaping into their room. He pinched himself, tried to get himself to stop thinking crazy but now crazy was all that he could think. He set his bag down on the small right-side-nobody-can-get-me-from-here bed and pulled his phone out of his back pocket.

It had been vibrating with texts all morning that Niall had studiously ignored and now he could not.

_How is it?_

_You alright?_

_Did you take your pills?_

_Call me when you get there._

It was his dad and he desperately did want to call him but his roommate was in the room reading a thick book and he didn’t want to go out in the hallway where everybody was talking to everybody else and where everybody would look at him, where everybody would see him. So he sent his dad a quick text letting him know that they’d talk later. Niall wished that his dad would see right through him and just call him just so he could calm down but he didn’t so Niall just shoved his phone under his pillow.

He rummaged around his suitcase for his bottle of pills. He knew that he should take them but he couldn’t, the whole roommate thing had him freaking out in his mind. He was shaking with suppressed fear and anxiety so he shoved his hands under his thighs. He tried to clear his head but it was impossible, lately all he could do was think himself into a frenzy. It was a bad habit, the things he did.

It was about fifteen minutes later that his roommate stood up, cracked his back in a way that made Niall shudder, and without saying anything walked out. Niall let out a breath. He stood up and checked to make sure that the door was locked; he trailed over to the window and made sure it was securely closed.

He took his pills and then he called his father. He still couldn’t fall asleep after though even though he was basically dead on his feet.

\--

His roommate came back around two hours later with a boy in tow. Niall didn’t know this at first because he had made himself into a burrito, wrapping his thick blanket around his body and curling up into fetal position. The lights were turned off so when his roommate came in and turned them on he blearily opened his eyes and turned on his back.

His roommate’s friend was wearing a backwards baseball cap, a baseball t, and jeans. He had curly hair that was sticking out in tufts under the baseball cap and he was chewing bubble gum. They both looked at Niall and Niall looked away but now he couldn’t go back to lying in the fetal position, he couldn’t do anything with strangers in the room.

“Hey.” His roommate’s friend said, a smile sliding onto his face. Niall stared at him, said nothing, and then looked away.

“He doesn’t talk much.” His roommate said. Niall heard his roommates bed dip, the creaking under it made Niall’s head hurt. He didn’t know why he was breathing so heavy, he had taken his pills, and they usually did enough to calm him down enough to be a functional human being but now he felt comatose like he couldn’t move and couldn’t breathe. He needed to get out but he didn’t want to move because he was scared.

He kept thinking about getting up, falling, and making a right fool of himself in front of his cool roommate and his cool roommate’s friend. He kept thinking about walking out of the dorm room and the amount of people that would be looking at him. His head hurt from all the thinking but he couldn’t stop it, it was like thought vomit spewing out of him at the worst of times making his pale skin flood with goose bumps.

He needed sleep but at the same time he couldn’t go to sleep. He kept thinking about falling asleep and waking up somewhere else, kept thinking about the fact that he didn’t even know his roommates name. He was aware that his roommate and his roommate’s friend were talking but he didn’t know about what, probably about him and how much of a freak he was. He was a freak had been a freak since he was a kid and he couldn’t stop it.

He pressed his finger to the scar on his hip, to his anchor. He needed to calm down.

\--

His roommate’s friend left eventually and then his roommate left the room, probably to go the shared bathrooms. Niall hated sharing things and he couldn’t stop thinking about how he would eventually have to go brush his teeth and how there would be other people there watching him and how he’d have to shower in a place where someone else had already showered. He wasn’t made for college but it was too late now, he was there and home was miles and miles and oceans away and he had the sudden urge to cry. Because he did it a lot and it always seemed to make him feel a little better afterwards but he didn’t.

He shoved his fist into his mouth and willed himself to stop being such a fucking baby. He was eighteen, he was in college, he made it this far but he just felt pathetic and useless. He felt drained and he hadn’t done anything all day. He wiped a lone tear away. So much for not crying. So much for not being such a fucking baby.

His roommate came back and Niall waited till he heard soft snoring to allow himself to fall asleep.

\--

Classes started up in three days and Niall woke up around seven the next morning. He was tired but he knew there was no way he was going to be able to fall back asleep. He craned his head a little. His roommate was still sleeping. Niall pushed the blanket off of him slowly, it was dark and his mouth was dry and tasted funny.

He found his toothbrush and toothpaste at the bottom of his suitcase then while clutching both in his hand he pushed the door open. Unlike the previous day the doors were closed and everything was silent, so silent that Niall actually reveled in it. He absolutely hated crowds and too much people. He ducked into the co-ed bathrooms. He peered a little to make sure there were no feet under the stalls before he started brushing his teeth quickly, eyes shifting every so often from one corner of the room to the other.

After he was done brushing his teeth and washing his face he walked back into his dorm room and thanked god that his roommate was still sleeping. Showering in the co-ed bathrooms was a scarier deal.

While nobody was in there with him all he could think about was someone walking in while he was unaware, of someone just standing there and listening to him. It was the most frightening and cold hot shower he had ever taken.

He holed himself up in his bed that whole morning telling himself he’d done enough.

\--

His roommate’s friend was back around one. He was sporting a variation of the same outfit and his roommate was looking for something under his bed, Niall had no idea what.

“Hey.” His roommate’s friend said again and Niall blinked then looked at him quickly looking away.

“Hi.” He said then rolled onto his side. Niall thought that was the end of it but the boy seemed to take his one word response as encouragement. Damn his pills for making him want to be slightly social.

“I’m Harry.” Niall didn’t say anything choosing to ignore the gregarious frat boy staring down at him. His skin was crawling; he needed this kid to go away like yesterday. “What’s your name?”

“Harry, leave him alone.”

Harry left him alone. They left. Niall could breathe again. Niall wondered if that was how his college life would go, him hiding out under piles and piles of blankets while people tried to speak to him. It was pathetic really but Niall didn’t mind it, he liked being alone. He didn’t need friends, he didn’t really need anything.

Later he called his dad but it went to voicemail so Niall left a voicemail because his dad was always worried about him and Niall was always worried about his dad too. He called his brother, they talked about Theo, and his brother kept telling him about the therapist his wife had worked with down there. Niall said he didn’t need another therapist. Greg huffed and said Niall was being ‘really fucking stupid’ so Niall just hung up.

He kept thinking about how good life would be if he could just get up, walk out the door, and do something without being scared of every possible thing there was to be scared of. He felt wound too tight like one of those toys that he’d had as a kid, like someone had just spun him over and over again.

\--

It went on like that for three days, of Niall hiding out in his room only getting up a little to go get food at the cafeteria. He’d worked around certain things, he made sure that he woke up extra early to brush his teeth and take a shower and then as soon as he did that he went to the cafeteria because there was rarely anybody there at that time. It was like he was working around being alone trying to find ways to get around actually meeting people.

Then classes came up and Niall was frankly terrified. He had early morning biology and then right after that was chemistry. Unfortunately other students on the East Wing had early morning classes also because even at his earliest he still encountered people. He found himself hiding out in a stall till it seemed clear, brushing his teeth quick and taking a shower even quicker.

He was late to his first day of bio and he was so fucking glad he’d remembered to shove a pill down his throat because it was a large class and everybody stared at him as he shuffled into a seat further in the back. The teacher droned on the first day so Niall barely paid attention, the feeling of being watched was stronger than ever.

It was when class was over that he realized why. Harry was in that class. Harry smiled at him and raised his hand to wave but Niall ducked his head and hightailed it out of there, needed to get out of there and away from that smile and those eyes. Fuck, he hated college. He hated people and he hated the horrible sinking feeling he got every time he looked at people and he hated that his hands shook so much all the time and he hated that he was crazy and he hated everything. Most of all he hated himself for being so out of his mind.

By the time he got to his chemistry class he was a step away from bawling his eyes out. He wanted to go home but he didn’t want to call his dad and tell him that because then his dad would actually tell him to come home and then it was all for nothing. The scholarship and everything he’d worked for was for nothing. He felt so pathetic.

\--

Zayn- that was his roommates’ name, had figured it out after hearing Harry say it so much- was seated on his bed with a boy that wasn’t Harry when Niall walked in. Zayn’s feet were in the boy’s lap and the boy was massaging his ankles and Zayn was laughing actually laughing. Niall had never heard him laugh before. Niall had heard him snort or let out breath quickly through his nose but never full blown oh-my-god-my-stomach-hurts laughing. Never that.

He felt weird standing there.

Zayn and the boy looked up at him. Zayn just quirked an eyebrow.

Zayn had never made an effort to actually talk to Niall and honestly Niall was okay with that, he was okay with not talking unless on his terms. Harry didn’t understand that but Zayn did, yanking Harry away anytime he tried to talk to an unresponsive Niall.

“Hi, I’m Liam.” Zayn’s friend said getting up and sticking his hand out. Niall looked down at the hand, it was large and masculine and Niall looked from the hand to the boy’s open and friendly face. He was a Harry character but different, Harry had eyes greener than the shrubbery back in Ireland and he didn’t have Harry’s cupid bow. Niall blinked wondering when the hell he’d started paying attention to how Harry looked.

Liam put his hand down. Niall held his backpack to his chest as if shielding himself from something.

“Liam,” Zayn whined, “c’mere. Niall doesn’t wanna talk.” And Liam obeyed. Niall shuffled onto his bed. This was his life now. He wanted to have a good cry, his chest felt heavy with it but he didn’t because Liam was there making Zayn laugh and making Zayn talk more than Niall had ever heard him talk before. Niall was aware that at some point they’d stopped talking, that it was just silence that crawled up Niall’s spine into every individual vertebrae. He’d never been a fan of heavy silences and the air was full of them

\--

“Look, you’re my roommate okay and I’m sick of us tiptoeing around each other alright so we’re gonna talk, we don’t have to be friends but enough of this, my name is Zayn Malik and I’m a sociology major.” That was how Zayn greeted him when he walked into the dorm the next day after chemistry. He was alone smoking a Marlboro Red and he looked well annoyed but that was his standard face when he wasn’t around Liam.

Niall looked around a little bit wondering who had put Zayn up to whatever this was. They’d been good at ignoring each other and half assed acknowledgements, Niall hadn’t minded the fact that Zayn had a lot of friends and Niall didn’t have one. Niall liked not being bothered but now Zayn was actually trying.

“What?” Niall said and Zayn huffed in frustration,

“Look, kid you make me sad alright always moping around and hiding under the bed sheets like some kind of hermit. Doesn’t it get boring?” _No._ Niall shrugged. “Can you at least tell me what you’re majoring in? Or is that too much for you?” Niall shrugged. “You can’t even look me in the eye.”

Niall hadn’t even realized he was avoiding eye contact till it was pointed out at him. He rolled on the balls of his feet a little, feeling like he was about to hurl.

“Biochemistry.” He finally said because maybe Zayn would leave him alone.

“Okay, good that’s a start.” Zayn said. Niall slid under his sheets; Zayn sighed, and left the room.

\--

“Hey, dad it’s Niall. I know you’re probably working I’m sorry I’m just really homesick right now and I miss Ireland. The people here… I don’t know them. I’m sorry. I’ve been trying though, I promise. I’ve been making attempts. Sorry. You don’t have to call back. Sorry.”

\--

“Hey, Niall.” Harry finally caught him after bio. Niall swallowed and looked up,

“What do you want?” He snapped. Defense mechanism, which was what his old therapist used to call it. Sometimes when Niall was backed up in a corner with no way to go he went into defense mode meaning harsh words and a brick wall separating him and the other person.

“To talk. Zayn told me you were a freshman, I know how hard that is.” Niall backed up and he was grateful that Harry didn’t take a step forward.

“Send me a fruit basket then.”

Niall curled his hand around the strap of his backpack trying not to fling it at Harry’s face. Why was Harry trying so fucking hard to be his friend? Niall didn’t need friends, could do without someone always there. It was easier to not care about people when you didn’t know them but there Harry was all up in his space making Niall scared and on edge. Niall was either soft edges or all edges no in between.

“Hey hey I’m sorry. I was just trying to be nice.” Harry said putting his hand up.

“Don’t.” Niall hissed and then turned on his heel and left. He needed to get to class and he needed to clear his head of the incoming ache in it. He needed his bed and he needed Ireland, he needed home.

\--

“Hey, Harry has a baseball game this afternoon. Wanna come?” Zayn asked him. Zayn didn’t look dressed like he was going to a baseball game; he looked ready to strut on a catwalk with his Doc Martens, his black skinny jeans, his black t-shirt with a cardigan over it, and a cigarette in between his lips. He was gorgeous and Niall didn’t even know if he knew it or not. The mention of Harry’s name had Niall recoiling in both anger and anxiety. He didn’t want to look Harry in the face ever again.

“No, not really.” Niall replied. Zayn studied him a little before he shrugged then walked out. Niall let out a huff then he went back to doing bio work. He rubbed his eyes. He stood up. He made sure the dorm room door was locked. Made sure nobody could crawl into their window. Looked under both the beds. Checked the mini closets.

And then he started bio homework finally.

\--

A week later Niall finally found the library. Back in Irelands libraries used to be his best friends, hiding out in between shelves with a ton of books on biochemistry and physics and science. He would stay there till closing time, half-awake but not wanting to leave liking the silence and the solace.

The worst thing about this library though was the fact that as soon as Niall stepped in he was met with Harry’s long lean backside putting books back on shelves. He had on his standard baseball cap and he was in nice fitting jeans and a t-shirt. He was whistling a tune but when he heard the door open he stopped and turned.

Niall froze.

“Hello, welcome to Carpo Library my name is Harry if you need anything I’m here.” Harry said the words monotonously and like he was so used to saying them then he turned back to the shelves. Niall turned and walked right out.

So fucking pathetic.

\--

They came up with the knocking rule when Niall walked in on and Liam and Zayn well… in a comprising position. Liam was quick to cover them up and Niall had never seen Zayn embarrassed before but the raven haired boy had ducked under the sheets hiding out in Liam’s chest. Niall had retreated quickly, shaking but not even knowing why.

He massaged his temple then closed his eyes, tried to remind himself that this was Zayn and it wouldn’t be awkward. But Niall knew it would be. Just because it was Zayn didn’t mean anything, all he knew about Zayn was his name and he was a socio major. That was it so maybe Zayn would get pissed and maybe maybe maybe Niall didn’t even know.

Eventually the door opened and Liam was ducking out, face red with embarrassment and Zayn had clothes on. Niall’s face was flushed from mortification and anxiety, he stepped in gingerly. Zayn was sitting on his bed cross legged.

“You’re not homophobic right?” Zayn asked blinking up at Niall. He was back to looking annoyed and kind of pissed, Niall could barely hear over the blood rushing to his ears.

“No.” Niall said and how could he be considering.

“Okay, good. Sorry you had to see that.”

“’s okay.”

“No, not okay. We need rules… I don’t want that happening again.”

“Okay.” Niall said. At that point he couldn’t tell if Zayn was mad at Niall or himself but he was treading lightly.

“From now on we knock, three times in quick succession alright? And loud.” Zayn looked embarrassed too but he was barreling through this. If Niall was in Zayn’s position he wouldn’t even know what to do, he’d probably have a heart attack. Or a panic attack. He’d probably be on the first flight to Ireland. “Got it?”

“Yes.” Niall said and Zayn flopped down on the bed.

“Good.”

\--

“Hey, Niall there’s a party this afternoon. Wanna come?” Zayn asked him from his place on his bed. He was shoving on some boots and simultaneously running a hand through his hair, trying to make it look presentable. Niall looked up from his chemistry book.

“Why do you always ask me?”

“To come out?”

“Yes. I think we both know what my answer is going to be.”

“Polite thing to do. And maybe one day you’ll wanna come.”

Niall wasn’t exactly comfortable around Zayn, the boy still made him a little antsy, but they talked and Niall didn’t sound like he was just learning how to speak English around Zayn. Niall wasn’t exactly happy about it but it wasn’t the worst thing in the world. They weren’t friends or anything, Niall didn’t mind.

“Doubt it.”

Zayn shrugged and stood up, “have fun studying.”

\--

Niall went back to the library a week later, telling himself to stop being such a fucking coward. He swallowed and opened the door. Harry was at the counter this time sitting on it. A shorter boy was looking up at him and they were talking and laughing, the shorter boy had his hand on Harry’s wrist and Harry looked well really fucking happy. Niall felt his stomach twist and he didn’t even know why.

Harry looked up and saw him; Harry’s friend (boyfriend?) did too. Niall didn’t look either of them in the eye just ducked towards a random section. He hated being looked at especially for long periods of time. He wasn’t a labyrinth why were people always trying to figure him out?

He found a book about modern day quantum physics (because physics was his undercover love even though biochemistry would always be his first) and then he plopped himself down in the middle of the aisle. There was nobody around so he could just sit there, legs crossed and books propped on him comfortably. It was nice.

Till Harry’s friend sat down next to him. Niall startled and dropped his book and when he realized who it was goose bumps flooded his skin. He backed up a little and Harry’s friend came closer. The boy had sharp blue eyes and when he smiled at Niall he had canine teeth on each side, he looked predatory but he was gorgeous and Niall could see the appeal.

“Hey,” he drawled like he was from Texas or something, “I’m Louis. What’s your name?”

Niall wasn’t going to tell this stranger- Louis- his name.

“I don’t even know you.” Was the only thing Niall could say.

“Well what do you want to know? I’m in open book, baby.”

“I kind of want you to stop invading my personal space.” There Niall went again, all edges and a sharp tongue.

“Louis, what the fuck are you doing?” Niall and Louis looked up. Harry looked annoyed and embarrassed and he was blushing a little, such a pretty blush that Niall had to look away. He brought his knees up to his chest to try and get himself as far away from Louis as possible. Niall didn’t like people at all.

“I’m making friends.” Louis said with a pout.

“Leave him alone, Louis.” Harry said and Niall got this weird sense of déjà vu. He was always being rescued and it didn’t make him feel good, it made him feel weak. Even through all his panic attacks and hiding places so people didn’t see him the times he felt the weakest was when his father had to step in and do something for him because he couldn’t, when Zayn kept telling people to live him alone, and now in the middle of the library his comfort zone. He felt like he was going to be sick all over himself, Louis, and Harry.

He watched Louis stand up and pout, “You’re no fun.”

Harry rolled his eyes and hit Louis at the back of the head not hard though but kind of a warning like ‘get out of here’ and Niall didn’t like it.

“You didn’t have to do that.” Was the first thing Niall said when Louis disappeared from sight Harry crossed his arms over his chest and shrugged, Niall watched his biceps flex and then looked back up at his face. Harry didn’t seem to notice.

“Louis’ a handful.” _And you can’t handle a damn thing._

“I was okay.” Niall said.

“I’m sorry. I won’t help you again.” Harry said but he didn’t move and Niall didn’t move.

“Okay. Good. Don’t need it.”

“You’re very difficult to get along with.” Harry finally said like he’d been trying his hardest not to say it but he finally worked up the courage. Niall knew that was true, he was either silent and avoiding eye contact or he was sharp and mean and not at all like what anybody had known. He’d made it eighteen years though so he supposed he was doing something right no matter how mean or cruel he was.

“I don’t really want people to get along with me.”

“What’s so good about being alone?”

Niall shoved the book back where he found it and stood up. Harry’s eyes were following his every move, it was making him uncomfortable made him feel like he was under surveillance.

“Stop looking at me.” He suddenly said feeling like he was going to go crazy with Harry’s eyes on him, trailing him like this. Harry averted his gaze. “Leave me alone from now on. Okay?” Niall asked. His hands were shaking but he didn’t waver in his words.

“Okay, Niall. Okay.” Harry said small and hurt and then Niall left.

\--

School work came at them all full force and Niall found himself swamped, found himself in his dorm room all the time involuntarily. And Zayn well Zayn always had either Liam, Harry, or Louis over. They were always studying on Zayn’s small ass bed so Niall always found himself with one ear bud in (he had to have at least one out because he had to be aware all the time) and submerged in his work.

He felt like a stranger in his own room and he hated the way he felt every time Harry stepped in the room, hated the way his skin would crawl with not only anxiety but with things he didn’t know. Harry avoided looking at him, avoided even acknowledging him, and he didn’t even know had to feel about that.

He’d said it and he was glad he had because again he didn’t fucking need friends but. But.

Harry was always talking about baseball; Niall had figured out soon enough that Harry was there on a baseball scholarship that he was good, that he was one of the best college baseball players this year had ever seen.

Niall didn’t know why he paid attention to that, he didn’t really pay attention to any of the other boys but god with Harry it was like a crime to not listen to him. Niall was giving himself anxiety from the fact that Harry wasn’t giving him anxiety. It was the worst feeling he’d ever had.

\--

His pills ran out. It was early in the morning and when he found his bottle he realized there was nothing in it. Nothing to keep him functioning, nothing to keep him from hiding out in his room the whole time like some kind of reclusive hermit. He looked around, Zayn was sleeping on his bed and Liam was curled up around him. Harry was on the foot of the bed, they’d had a late night study session.

Niall was trying not to freak out. Because his prescription was expensive, because his dad was the one who usually bought the pills for him and he didn’t even have a car and he didn’t even know where the nearest CVS was. He pressed his fist to his mouth and ran a hand through his fluffy bleached blonde hair.

He let out a pitiful whimper tried to keep himself under control but the dreadful wet feeling was settling in his stomach again, the one that usually slid up his whole body till he was paralyzed his fear, till he could do nothing but wrap the blanket around himself.

“Hey,” the voice startled Niall he turned around quickly. Harry was rubbing his eyes and he was stretching, Niall saw a sliver of white skin and looked back up Harry’s face. “You alright?” Harry was whispering probably as to not wake Zayn and Liam but Harry’s voice was the loudest thing to Niall right now, the only thing he could hear.

“Yes.” Niall lied looking away.

“Niall, no you’re not. You look like you’re going to cry.”

“Oh my god, why do you care? You don’t even know me.”

“Why do I need to know you to want to help?”

Niall pressed his fingers to his temples, he felt like he was going to throw up. “Well do you have a car and sixty bucks?”

“Yes.” Harry answered abruptly and Niall looked up at him. Harry was just staring at him in that unnerving way of his that made Niall feel like everything and nothing all rolled up in one. Nobody had ever looked at him like that before.

“Okay then.”

“Okay then?”

“Wanna do me a favor.”

“Yeah, Ni of course.” Niall wanted to say ‘it’s just Niall, not Ni’ but he didn’t because he didn’t particularly mind.

\--

Niall hated cars. One wrong move and everybody in the thing could perish. Harry had a nice black Nissan that smelled like strawberries. It was neat and Niall had to roll the window down, just in case Harry made a wrong move and Niall had to get out. His hand was hovering over the door handle just in case. That was his mantra. Just in case. Just in case.

“You want me to turn on the radio?”

“No, I want you to focus on the road.”

Harry didn’t say anything and Niall felt guilty but he probably would’ve felt guiltier if he had said yes and they ended up dying. They were both silent, Niall tapping his fingers on the door handle incessantly and Harry just being Harry. Niall couldn’t help the way he kept glimpsing over at him; Harry had that effect on him. Made him feel childish like he couldn’t control himself.

“So where are you from?” Harry asked making him jump a little.

“Doesn’t matter.” Niall said.

“Can I guess?”

“No.”

“Are you being difficult on purpose?”

Niall didn’t want to tell Harry that he was scared and not only because he was in a car but because he was Harry. But it wasn’t scared in the way he was familiar way but the kind of scared that made him feel fuzzy from the top of his head to the bottom of his toes, he felt like he was on clouds every time he looked at Harry. And he was scared out of his mind because of that and now being in a secluded area with the kid it was well it had him all out of sorts.

“I don’t know you, Harry. And you don’t know me.”

“That’s not my fault. I tried.” Harry said.

“I don’t want to know you. And I most definitely don’t want you knowing me.” Niall looked out the window. Scenery was passing by too fast and he usually did this when he was with his dad or his brother and he felt like he was going to have a panic attack or throw up, focused on one thing and just watched it the whole time but he couldn’t. He was too disoriented having Harry next to him was fucking him up.

They didn’t talk and when Harry paid for his anxiety pills Niall didn’t look at him. He felt antsy and he wasn’t going to take one in front of Harry. His stomach rumbled and Harry said,

“You hungry?”

Niall said no but Harry didn’t look like he believed him. Harry got him some Five Guys; Niall didn’t bother eating it in front of Harry. He stared at a passing tree, focused on it. _I’m okay, I’m okay_ he repeated to himself. _I’m okay._

\--

“You’ve been studying all freakin’ day, Niall c’mon.” Zayn looked ready to go out and Niall shook his head. “No, Niall it’s not up for discussion.”

“I’m not going.” Niall said his mind made up. He didn’t go places.

“Niall, do you know how pathetic you look? It’s fucking sad.”

“I like being alone.”

Zayn sighed and ran a hand through his hair than made a face, “I know you do but do you really want to fucking spend your whole freshman year trapped in a dorm room studying?”

“Yes.”

“No. Niall let’s go.”

“Zayn, do you know why I like that we’re roommates? Because you don’t give a shit. I like that. I don’t want people giving a shit.” Zayn looked at him like Niall had said something particularly heartbreaking and maybe he had.

“Niall, please.” Zayn looked like he was going to drop to his knees and start to beg and that would probably make Niall feel way too uncomfortable. Niall really didn’t want to go, was okay was staying in the dorm and he was already breaking out in a cold sweat just thinking about it but Zayn didn’t look like he was giving up soon so Niall shoved on his slippers and said.

“Fine.”

“You’re going like that?” Zayn asked. Niall was in flannel pajama bottoms and a black t-shirt with an ice cream stain on it.

“You’re right.” He said to Zayn, grabbed his jacket, and then wrapped it around his body. He needed his shield, his hiding place. Zayn rolled his eyes and then they were walking out the dorm room, Niall felt like it should go down in history. The day he actually agreed to go somewhere with Zayn.

\--

It was the middle of October and it was chilly outside, especially on the bleachers watching a pre-season game of baseball being played. Harry was on the diamond and Niall swallowed passed the bile and the nerves and the looks because Harry looked good, looked beautiful with the baseball pants clinging to his skin and the sweat rolling off his temple. He looked over for a quick second and Niall looked away.

The bleachers only had a few people and Liam and Louis were there. They did a double take when they saw Niall and he looked away as he sat down next to Zayn and wrapped his long octopus arms around his knees. He watched the game with his bottom lip caught between his top and bottom teeth.

Harry was good. Niall loved the way his legs flexed as he ran, loved the way that it didn’t look like Harry was playing baseball but Harry was baseball Harry was the embodiment of baseball. He looked good and Niall guessed that of course then would be the perfect moment to figure out his huge gross crush on the kid.

Niall rubbed his eyes with the heel of his palm tried to quell down that sick feeling that was pushing itself through his body. He felt so fucking idiotic like why in the world would he do that to himself? Why would he ever start liking someone like Harry someone with the world on his back and smiles for days and god he was magical and Niall. Well there was nothing else to Niall. Nothing else whatsoever.

Harry’s team won and Niall watched as Harry retreated somewhere, Niall couldn’t help the way his eyes followed Harry then he looked away. Looked down at his slippers, ran a hand through his hair.

“Let’s go.” Zayn said flicking him on the shoulder.

“Let’s go where?”

“Wait for Harry.” Niall didn’t want to go wait for Harry, Niall didn’t want to see Harry at all but Liam and Louis looked impatient waiting for Niall to get up so he did shuffling off the bleachers at the slowest pace possible. Liam wrapped his arms around Zayn’s waist and Zayn smiled a small private smile only for them.

Niall could never have a relationship like that none of that effortlessly cool way that Zayn and Liam touched, god he couldn’t even imagine touching Harry any type of way and then he rubbed his hand over his face because he was thinking of a relationship with Harry. Back in Ireland he never had crushes, had never had a boyfriend to kiss or bring home to his dad so he was a virgin in the most real sense.

Niall had never been embarrassed about it never really had a reason to be till now… till Harry.

“Why’d Rapunzel finally decide to come out of her tower?” Louis mocked.

“Oh fuck off, Lou.” Zayn said eye rolling and winking at Niall as if to say ‘i got your back’ Niall just looked away. Zayn, Liam, and Louis all took out cigarettes and they began to light up on the parking lot. Niall didn’t smoke and seeing people smoke always made him anxious, he didn’t like fire or things that could catch on fire.

He remembered watching Zayn smoke next to their drapes and thought about the drapes catching on fire, burning up the room, and killing them all. And he couldn’t leave the room because he didn’t want to see anyone. Niall stepped away a little as if getting away from the possible fire going to happen.

“There’s the MVP!” Liam shouted and Niall turned to see Harry grinning (no, glowing) with a duffel bag draped over his shoulder and looking like he’d gotten himself cleaned up. Niall wondered why he looked different for a sec but then realized it was his hair; he didn’t have his hat on. He was running a hand through thick curls and Niall felt his breath catch when Harry looked at him and didn’t turn away, he raised an eyebrow like he was trying to figure Niall out.

Niall looked away and bit his lip.

“Hey.” Harry whispered so only he could hear. Harry smelled like citrus and like musk but it wasn’t bad, it smelled nice like safety. Niall stepped away and Harry looked hurt like he didn’t know what Niall was playing at like he didn’t get Niall.

“So I’m thinking Five Guys? Who else?” Louis asked twirling his keys around his fingers.

“Can you drive me back to the dorms first?” Niall asked Zayn. The baseball game was already taking a toll on him he didn’t need to go to Five Guys and socialize more. He was good with staying inside; he was good with not having his awareness revolve around Harry like Harry was some kind of God. Niall hated that. Niall hated the way Harry made him feel.

“What, why? We were having fun.” Zayn pouted and Niall tried to communicate with his eyes the ‘get me the fuck out of here now’ feeling but Zayn didn’t budge. Niall let out a frustrated groan, “please, Zayn.”

“C’mon, Ni stay.”

“If you don’t drive me back right now I’ll fucking walk.” He sounded juvenile to his own ears but he couldn’t and he wouldn’t stay. He felt pulled to tight he felt like he was going to explode any second and the way they were looking at him like he was out of his fucking mind, like he was crazy wasn’t making him feel any better.

“It’s okay, Niall. I’ll drive you.” It wasn’t Zayn that said it was Harry. He looked worried but it was suppressed like he didn’t want the others to know that Niall was going to freak out any second like he might actually have a panic attack. Niall didn’t want Harry to drive him, didn’t like being in a vehicle with the boy.

“No, I’ll just walk.” He heard himself say.

“What the fuck is wrong with you? You were just bitching at Zayn for not driving you and now you’re bitching at Harry for offering? What the fuck!” Louis looked like he was going to punch Niall in the face; Niall backed up and ran a hand across his face.

“Hey, Ni it’s okay. I don’t have to drive you if you don’t want me to.” Harry looked torn.

“I don’t. I don’t want you to.” He knew he was being mean, knew that he wasn’t in the right mind but he didn’t know anything but pushing away. He didn’t know how to tell someone that he wanted them to stay without fucking up. He didn’t know how to tell Harry that he was the most beautiful thing that Niall had ever seen in a long time, that Harry scared him in the best way.

So he turned around and started walking. He could hear them talking and then finally,

“C’mon, Niall don’t be fucking stupid.” And then Zayn was dragging him to his car and Niall avoided the way Harry was looking up at him, avoided everything.

\--

“Dad?”

“Yeah, Niall? You alright m’boy?”

“I almost had a panic attack today, dad.” Niall let out a high pitched sob. He was in the stall of one of the co-ed bathrooms sobbing his eyes out. He was scared and crazy, that was what he was fucking crazy because normal people didn’t do what he did. All he did was push push and push till there was nothing. He kept thinking about Harry’s stupid face and his stupid voice and how he had Niall acting the stupidest.

“Oh, Ni. You’re alright now, right?”

“I don’t know. I feel like I’m suffocating.”

“Ni,”

“Dad, is it okay if I’m gay?” Niall didn’t know why he said it but he couldn’t pull it back now. Him and his dad had never talked about sexual orientation, they mostly focused on trying to get Niall to the highest state of normal he could reach not who Niall was kissing but it was different now but not really. Niall wouldn’t be kissing Harry any time soon.

“Yeah, Ni of course. You can be whatever. You can be whatever you want, okay? Do you get that?”

Niall sniffled, “why am I messed up, dad? Why am I always pushing people away?”

“Ni, is there a boy?”

“I don’t know. I don’t know.”

“Ni, do you want to come home?” _Stop calling me Ni,_ he wanted to say but he didn’t. He just wiped the snot from his nose with the sleeve of his sweater,

“Yes. But I’m not going to.” He said.

“Okay, Niall okay. You can if you want you know.”

“I know.”

\--

When Niall knocked on the dorm room door it wasn’t Zayn he found but Harry shirtless only in boxers. Niall blinked. Nobody was there but Harry.

“Why are you here?”

“Zayn let me in. The frat house pipe broke, it’s gonna be fixed by next week but you know. I need a place to stay.” Harry looked good with his shirt off and Niall begged his body not to betray him. He felt weird being in a room with a beautiful shirtless boy.

“I’m gonna study.” He said.

“Okay, that’s fine.” Harry replied then went back to sitting on Zayn’s bed, ear buds in and eyes closed. Niall studied and Harry listened to music. About thirty minutes later Harry pulled his ear buds out and said,

“Hey, Niall?”

Niall stopped writing for a split second then looked up at Harry, “yes?”

“Why do you hate me?”

“What?” Niall asked laughing a little.

“You don’t like me and I just… I wanna know why.”

“Why does it matter?”

“So you do hate me?”

“No. I’m just not used to you.”

“You’ve known Zayn the same amount of time you’ve known me. Did I do something to piss you off?” Harry looked so earnest like Niall’s answer would tie him over for years to come. Niall shook his head,

“You’re different, I guess.” Niall whispered looking down and running a hand through his hair. Harry was still watching him though.

“I piss you off?”

“Unintentionally.”

“Well… I think you’re really cool and I guess I wanted to be your friend. But I’ll stop trying. I promise this time.” And Niall knew that Harry meant it and he knew that it was his last chance to say something anything so he did,

“I never told you to give up.”

\--

“Hey,” Harry said when bio was done. Niall backed up a little then looked at Harry,

“Hi.”

“Wanna go get some coffee with me? I work at the place so they give me discounts.”

“I don’t drink coffee.” Niall said and Harry raised an eyebrow,

“Seriously?”

“Yeah seriously. It’s not good for me.”

“Then what do you drink?”

“Why?”

“Well I wanted to woo you with my coffee making skills but that obviously wouldn’t work.” Harry was smiling but it was a tight smile, the edges of his face looked like they would crack any second. Niall knew Harry was waiting for Niall to say something mean and honestly Niall wanted to but all he said was,

“Woo me?”

Harry chuckled and rubbed the back of his neck in this bashful way that had Niall thanking _god he’s so handsome_ , “Sorry, came out wrong I guess. But what do you drink?”

“Tea but not often.”

“I can make tea.” Harry said,

“Really?” Niall replied and Niall was shocked when Harry nodded and Niall could smell his body wash. They weren’t supposed to be that close to each other but yet Niall wasn’t pulling away, he actually wanted more but he didn’t say anything.

“Yeah really.”

\--

“Why are we at a frat house?” Niall asked wrapping his arms around himself. He could see a few guys milling around that looked like Harry, snapbacks and muscles. They were Neanderthals doing Neanderthal things.

“I’m gonna make you tea.”

“I don’t do people.” Niall hissed watching the boys. He felt like hiding out in the backseat, he felt like punching Harry in the face. He swallowed and looked out the window, his heart was thumping and he was afraid. Afraid that these boys would see him and immediately sniff him out as not one of them because Niall wasn’t.

“Hey, no they’re cool.” Harry said trying to reassure him but Niall shook his head and pulled away even though Harry wasn’t touching him,

“You don’t fucking get it, Harry I don’t do people. I can’t go in there.” Niall knew he probably sounded out of his mind but he wasn’t going in there knew that no matter how many pills he had in his system he couldn’t do it. He was shaking inside.

“Niall, I’m sorry I didn’t know fuck I should’ve told you-,”

“Yeah you really should’ve.”

“Did I fuck this up?” Harry asked him,

“What is this?” Niall asked looking at him. Harry had already begun to pull out of the parking space and Niall was glad for that knew that if he spent another moment near that place he would’ve freaked.

“I don’t know. Whatever you want it to be.”

“I don’t really know what I want it to be. Didn’t even know there was something to want really.” Niall was studying Harry, loved the way he looked and loved the way he looked like he was smiling even when he wasn’t. Loved the tiny little freckles on his skin and his curly brown hair. He was so handsome and so much and he made Niall so full of things that Niall didn’t even have a name or words for. He just made Niall.

“Hey, are you okay with going over to Liam’s place? I really wanna make you some tea.”

“You wanna woo me that bad?” Niall asked smiling a little trying to tell Harry that it was a joke,

“Yeah.” Harry said in a tone that suggested he didn’t get the punch line. Niall didn’t mind.

\--

Liam wasn’t at his apartment but Harry grabbed the key from under the doormat and lead them in. Liam’s apartment was nice and cozy smelled like warmth and pine and it was so Liam that Niall could only look around in wonderment. Niall thought about the fact that both Zayn and Liam were probably there at one point doing things.

“Why you blushing for?” Harry suddenly asked and Niall looked up at him. Harry was right up in his personal space, Niall could smell the licorice bubble gum on his breath and Niall knew that he could just reach up like in the movies and wrap his hand around Harry’s collar and kiss him. But this wasn’t a movie and he wasn’t Rachel McAdams and Harry wasn’t Ryan Gosling so he stepped back. Harry was watching him.

“I was just thinking.” Niall said and Harry nodded slowly.

“What tea do you like?”

“Surprise me.” Niall said and Harry laughed,

“You don’t seem like the type to like surprises.”

Niall shrugged because he wasn’t, “yeah well.” Was all he could say and Harry gave him a crooked half smile that punched his breath right out of him and retreated into the kitchen. Niall sat down gingerly on the couch. Liam had a large window that gave him a view of the city and Niall looked out of it thought about the beautiful boy in the kitchen trying to woo him and all he could do was press his hands to his mouth and stifle the laugh bubbling out of him.

\--

The tea was good and Harry said ‘let’s sit on the floor’ so they sat on the floor and then Niall said ‘go get some blankets’ so Harry went to go get some blankets. And now they were watching Netflix on Liam’s flat screen with a blanket around their shoulders. Their shoulders kept brushing and Niall kept thinking about Harry trying to kiss him and him fucking it up. Even in his most peaceful moments he felt like freaking out.

It was the first week of November and it was chilly but it felt good. Harry’s long fingers kept touching Niall’s cold toes and it kept making him giggle. Harry’s citrus smell kept mingling in with the homey smell of Liam’s couches and it was nice, it was perfect.

“Tell me about your family. Tell me about some things you love.” Niall said to Harry and Harry nodded slowly,

“Yeah okay.” He put his mug down and Niall watched him, watched how he started making patterns on Niall’s feet. “I have an older sister named Gemma we’re really close cause you know it’s just us and my parents have been divorced since I was like six. My mom actually taught me how to play baseball because she used to play it when she was younger and then she coached little league for a long time. My dad always forgets my birthday so he sends a card full of money whichever date he actually thinks he is. It’s like a surprise every year. I love… people and pretty things,” Harry looked at him when he said it and Niall just swallowed and didn’t say a thing, “and I like baseball and I like snow a lot. I like my hometown and I like cats and boys. Cats with boys. I dunno.”

Harry was grinning by the end of his little spiel and Niall was too. It was endearing and Niall wanted to kiss him even though he’d never ever kissed someone in his life.

“Your turn.” Harry said and Niall just stared and laughed softly,

“Not much to say.”

“You look like the type of person who’s got a lot of history behind them.” Niall knew that maybe he did have things to say but he didn’t want to tell Harry his fucked up little sob story, didn’t want Harry to look at him with those sad eyes. It was okay to let Harry think he was mean because he wanted to not because he was scared and not because he was crazy. He didn’t want Harry to know about his several panic attacks throughout his high school years and how by senior year nobody cared about him and he was okay with it. He touched the scar on his hip. He couldn’t imagine even trying to tell Harry about that train wreck.

“Well… I don’t. Typical teenage boy life.” Niall knew that Harry knew he was lying but Harry didn’t say anything he just nodded a little bit like he was trying to convince himself of something then said,

“Okay.” He put his mug down again then turned to Niall so abruptly that Niall got a little scared but all Harry did was put his large calloused hands on Niall’s face. Niall stopped breathing and Harry said, “I don’t know how this stuff works.”

“What stuff?”

“Niall stuff. You’re a hard one to figure out.”

“What’s there to figure out?” _Why don’t you just kiss me?_

“Everything. Can I kiss you?”

“If you want.”

Kissing in real life was so much different than how it was in the movies, Niall was holding his breath so when Harry kissed him all the breath he had just went into Harry like he was giving Harry a part of him. Maybe he was maybe that was how kissing work, maybe Harry was taking something from him. He was gripping Harry’s bicep so hard and tasting the tea and the licorice on his tongue and he’d never felt so frightened, alive, and safe all at once.

Niall fell asleep with his ear resting on Harry’s heart, listening to him breathe… listening to him be the best thing Niall had ever experienced ever.

\--

Harry drove him to his dorm the next morning, pushed him up on the car door and kissed him even though Niall was panicking a little inside but every time Harry kissed him it was like a silent _you’re okay you’re okay_ and Niall believed him.

\--

When Niall’s phone finally turned on after being dead the whole night he was shocked to see he had five voicemails. When he listened to them he felt like his insides had just dropped miles and miles out of him.

_“Hey, Ni it’s Greg call me back when you get this. Something’s happened to dad.”_

_“Hey, Niall it’s really weird that you aren’t answering your phone but dad’s hurt. He had a heart attack, Niall. Call me back.”_

_“Niall, please call back.”_

_“Where the fuck are you? Dad’s hurt Niall and you can’t even be bothered to answer your fucking phone?”_

_“Niall, call me back.”_

“Oh my god.” Niall whispered to himself hands shaking and head pounding with _oh my god i wasn’t there i wasn’t fucking there oh my god dad_ and it took him about five freakin’ tries before he could actually press Greg’s number. Greg answered on the second ring,

“Niall, what the fuck?”

“Oh my god, Greg oh my god what happened to dad? I’m so fucking sorry I’m so sorry.” Niall was aware that he was blubbering like a child but he couldn’t help it. He was panicking and he couldn’t quite calm down. He was so glad that Zayn wasn’t there.

“He had a heart attack. They’ve been trying to stabilize him but he’s been drifting in and out.”

“Oh my god. Greg, I’m so sorry you have to believe me, Greg I didn’t I didn’t-,”

“Niall, calm down. Just calm down, kid.”

“I’m coming okay I need to-,”

“You can’t. Not in time anyway and you’ve got school.”

“Greg, it’s dad. I can’t lose dad, I can’t.” Niall had slid down to the floor of the dorm room sobbing over and over again like he couldn’t be bothered to stop and every time he tried to breathe it was like someone had wrapped their hand around his esophagus and stopped him. He was seeing stars and all he could think about was the fact that he wasn’t there, that his dad was hurt.

“You’re not gonna lose him alright, kid. You need to calm down hear me?”

“Greg, I’m so fucking sorry. I’m so sorry I didn’t I couldn’t be there oh my goodness, Greg.”

“Niall, are you breathing? Niall, listen to my voice.”

“I can’t, Greg I can’t breathe. Oh my goodness.” Niall was sitting down but he felt dizzy anyway like an earthquake was happening and he couldn’t be bothered to try and get away, he kept seeing black spots dance across his vision and it was like he had forgotten how to breathe all of a sudden. It was like the whole two months had caught up to him, of hiding out and being scared and the false alarms had finally boiled down to this. Him sitting in the middle of his room about to have the worst panic attack of his life and his inhaler was nowhere in sight.

He’d stopped listening to Greg tried to focus on breathing but it was hard. He kept slipping in and out of consciousness till he couldn’t stay conscious anymore.

\--

Waking up in a hospital was just one of those things that Niall would never be used to no matter how many times he did. It was a whirlwind after that of nurses and doctors, they asked him standard questions and when they figured out it was just a panic attack they told him his friends were waiting for him in the lobby and that he could go.

Niall didn’t have any friends but when he saw Zayn, Liam, Louis, and Harry all sitting there each of them cradling a coffee cup he felt like throwing up. He wrapped his arms around himself and felt like making a break for it. He wondered who found him; he wondered who saw him at his worst.

“Ni, what happened?” Harry asked and Niall turned to look at him. Niall thought about their kisses and how good Harry felt under his fingertips about how he was with Harry when Greg was trying to reach him, how fucking distracted he’d been lately. He wasn’t a child but Harry made him feel foolish.

“Don’t call me that.” He said and Harry blinked,

“Niall, what happened?”

“I’m going home.”

“Yeah that’s where we’re going.” Zayn said standing up but Niall could tell from the look on Harry’s face that he knew what he meant. Niall didn’t know why he was so fucking pissed at Harry but he was he was mad that this boy had fooled him so easily. In what world did Niall think that whatever he and Harry had done was going to last into something real? Niall had been living in his head too long and reality hitting him in the face was scary, like a train barreling straight through him cutting him in half… open.

“No, Zayn. Ireland. I’m going to Ireland.”

“Why? What’s going on?” They were all standing now looking at him. It reminded him of the parking lot after the baseball game about how they were all watching Niall go crazy. But this was the most sane he’d been in a long time.

“I can’t… I can’t stay here anymore. I have to go.”

“Niall, can we talk? Niall, please.” Harry said and Niall was already shaking his head no could feel the tears already threatening to spill over like he was full of them. Harry apparently wasn’t taking his answer though because he grabbed Niall’s hand all of a sudden and pulled him outside. Niall didn’t have it in him to struggle; he kept thinking of his dad and how stupid he’d been about Harry… about everything.

Niall expected Harry to beg him to stay but Harry just wrapped his arms around Niall and he hugged him, tight and safe and Niall smelled citrus and licorice and he couldn’t help the way his hands encircled Harry’s body and how began to shake with sobs of frustration and sadness and everything that had been building up in between. He wasn’t strong, no matter how many times he acted like it he was weak and he was a child.

His shoulders were shaking and he’d never cried like this in front of someone else and he’d probably be freaking out but it was Harry and Harry made him feel like everything, Harry made him full of life full of everything and he couldn’t just… he couldn’t just.

“Baby,” Harry cooed into his ear and Niall usually would’ve gotten fucking pissed for being called that but he didn’t even mind, was okay with being called baby. He felt like he was melting right before his own eyes and Harry’s. It was cold and it was November and Harry felt like summer time and Harry felt like hurt and Niall burning his tongue on tea, Harry felt like heartbreak and falling in love.

“If you’re going to Ireland, I’m coming with you.” Harry whispered and Niall said,

“You can’t. You have school… you have baseball.”

“You you you you.” Harry kept whispering.

“I’m not… I’m not enough. You can’t-,”

“I can and you’re everything. You’re everything, Niall Horan. You’re mine okay? And I’m not gonna be a big fucking fool and let you go by yourself. I’ll stay with you as long as you like, I’ll stay with you till the end of time, Niall Horan.” Niall could feel Harry’s fingers pressed to the scar on Niall’s hip, his anchor touching his anchor and he began to sob again. Sobbed so hard he knew he was probably going to end up making himself sick.

\--

Niall hated airplanes; they made him nervous so Harry offered to sit near the window seat. Harry was holding his hand and Niall kept looking at it, kept thinking about the other people on the airplane and how they could see them. Niall had never held hands with a boy before and he liked it, it was simple but it was everything.

Harry saw him looking and took Niall’s hand and pressed it to his lips. Niall looked at him then blushed and looked away.

They could hurtle down to their deaths any minute. He needed to focus on that.

\--

Theo and Denise were sitting in the waiting room when Niall and Harry got to St. Anne’s General Hospital. Niall was tired and shaking and Harry was holding him upright. When Denise saw him she got up and enveloped him in a big hug, he almost forgot how she always smelled like peaches and cookies and he couldn’t help but to scoop up Theo in his arms. He told himself not to cry but he could hear the watery way he was laughing and he knew he would.

“How are you, darling?” Denise asked.

“Okay, I guess.”

“You’re in need of a haircut, you know that? You look like a rag doll.” He smiled and nodded.

“How’s dad? Where’s Greg?” Niall asked wondering if his dad was gone and Niall hadn’t had a chance to say anything.

“Your dad is fine, they finally got him stabilized and he’s talking. Here Greg comes now.” Denise said and Niall turned so quick he was sure he was going to get whiplash. His brother had two cups of coffee in hand but Niall didn’t care, he hadn’t seen his brother in what felt like ages.

“How’re you?” Greg asked him when they pulled away. Greg looked like he was inspecting Niall for scars which okay. Niall wasn’t going to tell him about the panic attack not at fucking all, Greg would freak and right now it wasn’t about Niall. It was about their dad.

“Alright.”

“Alright? You don’t sound alright.”

“Leave the boy alone, Greg. He’s tired.” Denise said. Niall caught Harry’s eye and Harry was just giving him a small smile knowing that Niall just needed time right now with his family, with his bearings. Niall wondered when he got so lucky.

\--

When he was finally able to see his father it was about two minutes later. Bobby looked pale and haggard on the hospital bed and his eyes widened a little when he saw Niall.

“If I’m not mistaken you’re supposed to be in school right now. In Boston. Not Ireland.”

“I couldn’t not come, da. You were hurt.”

“And I would’ve been fine eventually. What were you thinking, Ni?”

“That I wasn’t there. That maybe if I was there-,”

“You could’ve stopped my heart attack?” His dad gave him a look that had him shrinking back a little. “Don’t be a fool. I’m glad you’re here trust me but I would’ve been happier if you were in school.”

“Dad, it’s hard for me to even get out of bed in the mornings up there. Everything is hard.”

“You been taking your medication?”

“Yeah. But I don’t want to talk about me. I want to talk about what you’re gonna do. You obviously can’t live by yourself after this. I’ve been-,”

“No, Niall. I know you; you’re not staying here to take care of me.”

“But I want to take care of you, dad. You don’t understand how scared I was when Greg called me.”

“I’m not letting you throw away a life because you’re scared, Niall. You’re scared and you’re using me as an out.” Niall swallowed and shook his head,

“You’re wrong, I care about you dad. If I lost you-,”

“Oh I see what this is about.” Bobby suddenly said cutting Niall off. “Your mother?”

“It’s n-,”

“Yes, it is. It is and you’re scared. Your mom was sick, Ni. She was sick and scared and did what she thought was right.” His father may have been pale and weak but the look he was giving Niall scared him a little like if Niall didn’t understand what he was trying to say he would keep going. Niall touched the scar on his hip, the burn. He remembered five years old like it was yesterday and he remembered the drapes going up in flames, he remembered being trapped in the house. He remembered screaming mommy. He remembered screaming.

“I couldn’t save her.” Niall said burying his face in his hands. He guessed maybe that was where all his problems started, where the shaking and the anxiety and being scared of every little thing happened. Maybe he had a thirteen year case of PTSD or maybe he was born like that and he needed his mother settling fire to their home and trapping him and her in it to bring it out of him.

“But you can save yourself. You didn’t die along with her, Ni. You have to remember that.”

“I felt like I did though. Half of the time nothing even feels real.”

“Well it is and you’re breathing. You are breathing.”

\--

Harry and Niall sat at the diner, at the window seat so Niall could see everything. Some guy was smoking outside and Niall kept thinking about drapes, kept thinking about the scar on his hip. Their feet were intertwined under the table; Niall kept looking at the waitresses making sure that they didn’t care. He’d never been so shameless about something till Harry who was nothing but shameless.

“They’re all lovely.” Harry said.

“Yeah. They are.” Niall replied thinking about Denise’s smiling face and Theo and Greg. He thought about his father and how when he’d met Harry he’d just smiled at Niall for a long time. How Denise had said ‘hold on to him, darling’ as if Niall ever planned not to.

“What are you planning on doing?” Harry asked him and Niall shrugged,

“I have no clue yet. Do I have to have everything figured out yet? Can’t I be clueless?”

“Yeah, Niall we’ll stay here for as long as it takes for you to figure it out.”

“Even if I want to stay here forever? Right in this little diner?”

“Yeah me and you, baby. Just say when.”

Niall laughed and looked out the window. The guy flicked his cigarette on the floor and Niall watched him snuff it out. He turned to Harry who was watching him oddly then he leaned over the table and pressed a kiss to Harry’s lips, wrapping his hands around the back of Harry’s neck and pulling at the baby hairs at the nape.

“When.”

 


End file.
